The Engineer who saved Christmas

So, who am I? Well, it’s a story of treasure, an Engineer and a Jezebell.

Our story starts ten and two score years ago when our hero came into this world, the product of a shot gun wedding between the son of an old sea captain and the daughter of a famer. Although his parents loved each other, and him, their marriage was tempestuous and when it came time to make his own way in the world he forsook his village in the valley and struck out to seek his fortune.

He went first to the big northern city to learn his trade and it was there he found the first of his treasures, deep in the books of Pratchett, Holt and Adams. He struggled with his learning but, with a bribe to the librarian he got through it.

As his studies progressed he found his second treasure, old music of the American cities of Detroit, Memphis and New Orleans. All introduced to him by master bluesmen practicing their craft on a mission from God. Previously he’d been a hair gelled SAW fan, with some light northern metal thrown in, but now he was a convert to the blues and had it bad.

It was also while learning the ways of the mason and the plumber that he met his third treasure. A beautiful woman who beguiled him and weaved him such a spell of love and romance such that he lost his true path. When she left the northern town he followed her, struck by his desire for this Jezebell. None could disuade him and woe was he for not listening. He followed her to the ends of the country and that was his first mistake. The beer down there was awful.

He took a job working construction, and for his 24th birthday he got a mastercard and a wedding suit.

His fourth and fifth treasures soon followed. The union of the Engineer and the Jezebell was blessed with two daughters (and 4 cats). The first daughter screamed like a banshee for months, then burped and was silent. The younger drank & ate and ate & drank. As the children grew the Engineer worked hard to provide for his family. During the course of that work he travelled both the country and afar continually seeking his fortune and keeping his team safe from harm.

Not once did he put a foot wrong, not once did he stray, though he was stubborn as an orny mule and could stand fast in any blizzard no matter if the fury was rain or female tears.

But despite his efforts and despite his work, it was not good enough for the Jezebell – who took all his treasure and spent it on her own self (and what she wanted for the children). Eventually the treasure just wasn’t enough and he turned to the village wise man and asked him what he should do. The wise man came and studied what was left of the Engineer’s treasure trove. He told the Engineer and the Jezebell (and the whole country, well those who weren’t watching the village cricket) what they should do.

The Jezebell thought she knew better and demanded the Engineer leave the family home, comfortable though it was and hearth & home for the Engineer and his children. Despite his protests and concerns, he knew when he’d been beat. He left silently, promising to love his children and send for them when he had a new castle.

The Engineer struck out into the world again, knowing he’d found his way once and could do it again. By this time his reputation was such that men of commerce would seek him out where others had failed them.

And the Engineer served those who presented him great challenges. One such, an international Baker who had bought an historic store in old London town, sought the Engineer when the Sheriff had closed his building, six weeks before Christmas.

“Woe! Woe! Woe is me” cried the Baker. “The law have closed me down, I cannot serve the children”

The Engineer chewed on his pencil and regarded the Baker. He knew him of old, and knew the Baker thought only of his own purse

But the Engineer also knew the townsfolk were deprived of their main street and knew something should be done. The Engineer chewed on his pencil again then used it to stir his coffee.

“If you can fill my small purse, and that of every man who answers my call,” the Engineer said to the Baker, “I will save your Christmas”

The Baker was distraught. He didnt want to give the Engineer any treasure, but knew he had no option.

The Engineer called in every scaffolder and promised them a handsome sum. They worked like dogs and in a weekend they secured a safe walking route to the store, and the Baker was pleased. In a week they had secured the whole street, and the Sheriff was pleased. In fact, only the publicans were displeased as their pubs were empty, till the scaffolders were finished, then the pubs were dry within a day.

But although the Engineer had saved Christmas, and got the scaffolders paid, he knew the Baker begrudged the payment of so much treasure (even though he earned it back in one morning) and so the Engineer had to move on once more.

While all this was going on the Jezebell was calling down all the vegence typical of a scorned woman, but she had underestimated how well the Engineer could stand fast in a storm. All he had was his patience and his determination to play fair by all to see him through, but he had those in spades.

Eventually the Jezebell’s fury blew out and they met in the court before the Sheriff to settle things finally. Here, the Jezebell bit off more than she could chew and the Engineer kept the shirt on his back, despite her earlier vow that she would have that too.

Through all this the Engineer kept in close touch with his children and saw they were raised right, introducing them to Dr Who, Sherlock and Star Wars; and exlaining why Jar Jar Binks was an abomination against the Machete Order of things.

As the children got older they became fine intelligent princesses, wise to the ways of the Jezebell at her worst and stayed loyal to both her and the Engineer. The Engineer kept his promise to send all his spare treasure to the Jezebell, to see she had a house and food and a hearth. The Jezebell was eventually taken in by a fool and a braggard, and the Engineer wishes them both well.

But now all was said and done the Engineer sought a new companion, and new compatriots. People who knew sex was for more than procreation, who knew rope was for more than ships and most importantly knew that Christian Grey is an abuser and not a Dom in ANY sense of the word.

Eventually he met good people who saw he was good man at heart and took him in.

They too eventually sought his help and he ended up running the biggest BDSM summer festival in Europe, with 200 souls in his care living freely as they were want to do.

He was called on to celebrate the reunion of a couple who had been long married and had met & bested their own demons, and who wanted to mark their union now in this community

And it was among these people that he found his greatest treasure, true friends who knew him for what he was and accepted him among them.

And now, as our story closes we bring it up to date. The Engineer plys his trade at the country’s greatest port, seeing mighty works delivered by foolish contractors who do not know him, and cheerful ones that do. Many times they cause him to chew his pencil and many stresses do they cause him. But he sees them through and warns them of the Baker, who tried saved a penny and nearly lost his Christmas.

The Engineer is now the proud father of two clever & beautiful young women, who weekly bring him new pencils to replace the ones he has chewed on their behalf. One is a teacher, the other an apprentice.

The Engineer is a wise man (in some things; horses, women and cards not so much) and knows two things:

Firstly young women are wilful free spirits and you try and tame them at your peril. Overtly disliking their beaus will only make the knave even more desirable.

Secondly the Engineer knows he will never be troubled by a body, as he has been planning for such a necessity since the daughter’s heads were first turned by knaves and wastrels…