It’s been a fun day – but I don’t feel brave.

I’ll do a intro & history later but if you’ve found this it’s probably because I wanted you to and you probably know most of that stuff anyway – well the edited highlights anyway.

So what’s this post about? And this blog too matter of fact. I’ve been meaning to start a blog for a while and while not one for New Year’s resolutions there’s no time like now, and hopefully it will be easier than the gym. What prompted starting now is that I posted something on Twitter (@janusxuk) that sounds more adventurous than it was. The original tweets were this:

I know it might seem a small thing by some people’s adventures and lifestyles here but today I picked up a parcel from the sorting office, bought petrol, did a weekly shop & a thorough run through of the M&S sale in my female guise. I passed every customer service interaction (might be their training but I’m taking it). Me being a TV was a massive part of my divorce, and with so many other “inputs” saying it’s wrong massively impacts my mental health. So yes it’s a small step for woman, but it’s a big boost for this tranny’s well-being.

The responses I got were admiring & centred on “So proud of you – very brave”. The thing is, it’s not brave for me. I’ve been dressing for years and went into the real world the second time I fully dressed, curtosey of Transformation in Newcastle way back in 1991 (when I was a size 12, now I’m “generous 18″…). I know their reputation but we all have to start somewhere and back then it was them or the back pages of Exchange & Mart or Loot…

My female side is just an extension to my wardrobe. I have everything from male suits & ties, through male jeans to male sportswear, car bashing clothes and Fet clothes, into female fet and back through to female suits and blouses. Basically my clothes rail doesn’t stop where yours does. When female I wear gloves, wigs and make up to pass in public but I wish I didn’t have to, the gloves at least.

I don’t understand why I cross dress but I do enjoy it, and not in sexual way. R says she knows when I’ve been dressing, I become much calmer and I definitely get the itch for it when it’s been a while.

I’ve always gone shopping, museums & places like that. They’re the easiest places to pass as people are looking at the products, not you. As long as there’s no teenage boys milling about I’m generally ok. I do go to pubs & clubs, but only places which are very, VERY, tranny friendly and I’m certainly not brave enough to push my luck in a Spoons or a football ground.

Yes passing today (and on Sunday night at Dinner with a good friend in Oxford) was a boost, but it wasn’t brave. Brave is those who are fully Transsexual, or those who are androgynous, and who change their identity formally & fully. I can go back to male mode whenever I like & if I need to deal with the authorities, or work my career I can do that in male mode, with no aggravation, snide remarks or dead naming. I did the equivalent of riding a Postman Pat ride outside a supermarket, those who change drive an F1 race in a Reliant Robin every day.

It was fun, I enjoyed it and you’d have tried to get my number for sure, but it wasn’t brave.